Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I'll Punch You In The Face! 

I'm not sure whether I've talked about this in the past, but when I was younger one of my fantasies was to gather a group of friends, outfit a van, and drive around late in the night fighting crime like a bunch of superheroes. This might sound comical to you, but in the words of a very wise comedian, when boys read comic books they see themselves as the character lead.

Superman, Flash, Wolverine: being a superhero isn't a fantasy, it's a career option.

In picking out individuals for the group I'd take into consideration distinct talents and/or gifts that would function as an asset to the unit. The goal is to assemble a group where the total is more than the sum of the individual parts.

rocketeerI'd be the leader. Shy but outspoken, completely in charge and aware of what the situation called for, I'd be the one everyone looked up to. The one everyone would look to for an answer. "Hey Hugo, what do we do now?"

Then, I'd need a right hand. Figuratively, that is. A driver that would double as a second in command. He'd be good at puzzles and have a keen mind for what the bad guys might be plotting. A guy that would be a leader in any other group, but was content to follow me because he "saw something in Hugo that he couldn't explain. The man is like gravity."

(Hey, don't judge me. It's my fantasy.)

I'd also like to find a group member with flying powers. Flying is big in crime fighting. But being as flyers are hard to come by I'd settle for a young scientist with a "Rocketeer"-like contraption that would enable him to fly.

rhonaWe'd also need a doctor. A paramedic, in the very least. This would be for field wounds, injuries incurred during the actual fighting of crime. She could be a girl. She'd have to be hot. She would look like Rhona Mitra, of Boston Legal. (Curious fact: Rhona was the inspiration for Lara Croft. And she has a British accent. Now that's hot!) Of course, she'd be secretly in love with me. I'd be in love with her. But we could never come together due to being completely invested in keeping the streets safe for the kids. The sexual tension would carry the plot during less interesting episodes.

laraAnd last, but certainly not least, we'd need some muscle. A strong dude who could punch a hole through a brick wall. His strength could come via a genetic mutation or he could be the victim of a freak experiment gone wrong. He'd be super-strong with lots of muscles and a funny haircut. I pity the fool who made him upset.

And there you have it, folks. That's my crime-fighting unit. We're ready to take on the bad guys. All we need is team name. Feel free to help me out with that in the comment box.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Don't call me Scotty nomore!! 

I now go by the call sign of STARBUCK. Who dat? Me dat. Now if I could only figure out how to change the post signature. Damn technology, damn you, you're tearing me aaaaaaaaapaaaaaart. Also I like orange jello.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I wanna be funny... will someone PLEASE laugh! 

The following is a conversation between my sister and I as I struggled to find a comedic concept to write about.

Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado:

Me: Give me something funny to write about.
Sister: Why?
Me: Cuz I need something funny to write about. Give me an idea.
Sister: Like what?
Me: I don't know, like a clown with a hearing problem.
Sister: Why is that funny?
Me: It's not, that's the problem. If it was funny I'd write about that.

It's not going so well.