Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Jake LaMotta on Viagra... 

Does it bother anyone else that the golden boys of film all suck now?

I watch “Raging Bull” and “Casino” and “Taxi Driver” and think, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO DE NIRO, MAN?!?!!???

He was awesome, and now he makes shitty movies about meeting a son in law and what not. Back in the day De Niro wouldn’t have had to tie the son in law up to a lie detector. He would have gotten some of his boys from the corner to take him out in order to sort shit out.

“Did you fuck his daughter? Don’t lie to me or I’ll cut your balls off. Good. That’s what I like. Don’t touch her.”

And “Analyze That”… what the fuck is going on here.

It’s not the actual movies I have a problem with, it’s his performances. “Rocky and Bulwinkle”? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

Pacino has sucked, too. Just not as much. I hear “The Merchant of Venice” is good, but from everyone I speak to he sucks in it.

Have they burned out? Don’t they have anything left in the tank? Can someone out there answer these questions for me?

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Unicorns... Fuck Yeah!!! 

You know what I really want? Unicorns. But everyone thinks I’m fucking around.

I’m dead serious.

Unicorns could single-handedly revive stagnant economies. Unicorns could tour the globe for the U.N. in support of world peace. Dialogue over violence. Dialogue over violence from the single-horned beacon of brotherhood.

Only a mythical figure could achieve this. Only a respected creature like the Unicorn could bridge our world and the utopia we dream of for our children.

So lets create one. Lets get the best scientific minds together in a lab. Get Frankenstein, word has it he’s learned from past mistakes.

Call Dr. Jekyll, he’s overcome his initial errors.

We can make this happen. We can create Unicorns.

And even if the Unicorn fails in his mission, which he won’t, we can have a brand new species to compensate (although poorly) for the ones we destroyed.

Unite Unicorn lovers. Unite for world peace.

Seriously, though, Unicorns are hot. Not Britney Spears hot, but hot like “Oh shit, I want one.” Am I wrong?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

alicia keys is a damn thief 

so this lady walks into the bank today. she stands by one of the teller stations not talking to anybody. the teller asks her if she needs help, she asks for a printout of her account.

the teller gives her the printout.

the lady starts looking at it and nodding her head... then she starts saying..."alicia keys gonna stop taking money from my account."

everything stops.

we say, "what was that?"

"alicia keys keeps taking money from my account."

i fight back laughter to avoid bursting out in a fit.

the teller looks at her super serious and responds, "you're telling me. ricky martin taking out money from my account, too."

the lady goes, "damn thiefs. they got enough. why they gotta keep stealing from us."

the teller says, "donald trump wanted to cash a check. he gave me a fake id."

at this point i'm ducking behind the counter, laughing hysterically.

just another day at work.