Friday, December 24, 2004

The Sailor Man 


Take it from me, Popeye jerked off A LOT as a kid. A LOT.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Taking the game to another level 

After careful consideration I have decided that for the sake of better writing and the overall quality of my work, I will begin taking steroids immediately. If it works for athletes it's gotta work for the rest of us as well.

I will inject them in my hands so that they can be strong and never get tired of typing. I will ingest growth hormone for my brain to ensure it can be stronger and think up better material. I want my brain to bench press at least 400 lbs. At least.

But here's where I'm going to differ from the athletes; I'm going to tell everyone up front. This way when my head grows three sizes and I start putting out 17 novels a day, people won't have to wonder. They'll know. And they'll appreciate my honesty even if they aren't reading my work.

Because I'm putting out so much material, I'll make more money. So that the fans don't turn on me, I'll make sure to donate loads and loads of it and create special programs for the kids – 'cause in the end, it's all for the kids. All the injections, ingestion, hormones and suppositories are a small price to pay for the smile on a child's face. How can you argue with that?

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

There's some hoes in 'dis house! 

I think it's pretty gangsta when my friends engage in the type of activities that would lead the owners of the bar to put up a sign reading, "NO SEX IN THE RESTROOMS."

I want to send out a BIG UPS to that friend, who shall remain nameless. He is a true man, but he still hasn't done it in a women's bathroom at a law firm. That, my e-friends, is yet to be topped.