Monday, August 30, 2004

Drinkin' at work 

drinkingOf all the gangsta things I've done (dating project chicks, convincing them not to make me wear a condom by telling them you can't get pregnant the first time) none is more gangsta than today's actions. Drinking at work.

I work at a bank. It's oxford and tie, it's corporate, I have to deal with customer's one on one and perform transactions of hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I drank Belvedere.

I didn't just drink it either, along with my boy I killed a bottle. We ran upstairs after lunch and made cranberry juice cocktails. We killed on the sneak-tip in just under 10 minutes and came back downstairs, stealthily camouflaging our breath with Altoids, to complete our workday.

This is pretty gangsta.

But I'm not even phased. I'm writing this post in-between customers. I'm holding my own. I'm feeling good. But ultimately, I'm in control. Because no one likes a sloppy drunk. And if I'm gonna drink at work, I'm gonna make sure I'm classy. 'Cause bitches love classy dudes.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

80's action stars saved the 'real world' 

while lying in bed the night before last waiting for sleep to overtake me, i dawned upon the realization that 80’s action movie stars saved the world. i’m not talking about the world as it is on film (i.e. the matrix) but rather about the real world where i, like so many others, ridiculously pay $5 for a cup of coffee and sit through endless episodes of the bachelor because my girlfriend thinks of it as ‘quality time.’

i was reading through ESPN the magazine when i happened on an article where the writer professed his editor’s dismay at some of his ideas for columns. thinking that the magazine has an inherent integrity to uphold, his editor, according to the writer’s account, constantly shoots down ideas that might not be of interest to readers (or anyone else). one of those ideas the editor shot down was an article discussing how rocky was responsible for the fall of russian communism. luckily for you, this blog doesn’t have that kind of integrity to uphold.

as i was lying there, i began to consider the possibility and arrived at the conclusion that rocky, while a crucial figure on the international stage, is not solely responsible for the feat. a slew of other action stars is also to commend for their efforts. before there was illegal file sharing and kofi annan at the head of the u.n. and rumsfeld’s re-hashing of the once forgotten roman phalanx, might made right and the sheriff in charge was the american renegade. think of commando; that guy knew how to kick ass!!!

arnold schwarzenegger (i might have misspelled his name) is the clearest example of an action hero whose success extends beyond the silver screen. his current go-around as a governor of the illustrious state of california illustrates the american ideal of success through perseverance. even in real life, arnold was not afraid to stand up for what he believed and as such was able to defeat the rufian gray davis and his slew of over-taxing liberals. featuring an endless caché of ammo and a gun that defied conventional reloading techniques, arnold pounded through adversaries like the t1000, the epic “predator,” and even managed to show off his acting chops by carrying danny devito on his shoulders with a flawless performance in “twins.” jesse ventura is another example of hollywood brilliance turned american pride. after co-starring in “predator” with arnold, and tossing around koko b. ware and rick “the model” martel like a puppet in the squared circle, he, too, found prominence through civic duty as the lord of the land of 1,000 lakes, minnesota.

rocky, he who is the muse and origin of this article, also played a vibrant role in the eventual capitalist victory over communism, yet he wasn’t alone. how can we overlook the actions undertaken by john rambo in afghanistan? rambo single-handedly stopped the red invasion of that country! he was the original ‘operation anaconda.’ had the cia allowed his covert operations to continue and not intruded in his gig in an early 90’s altercation that went inexplicably devoid of video footage, perhaps even 9/11 could have been averted. had we more heroes like john rambo, perhaps the terrorists would not have won!

and lets not forget his efforts fighting communism in rocky IV. remember when rocky was running through the snow and the mercedes couldn't keep up with him? it's all subliminal. it's symbolic of how german engineering can never best american muscle. rocky's defeat of ivan drago marked an embarrassing defeat for the reds. the good guys won!

then there is also the american ninja, played by various actors. the american ninja was responsible for instilling a sense of urgency in adopting martial arts in the good ol’ u.s. of a. and inspired an entire army of american martial artists. people like jean claude van damme, the karate kid, don “the dragon” wilson, and the unforgettable cast of “three ninjas” and “three ninjas kick back” (wasn’t that lawrence boy just adorable?) all found success and inspired confidence in our national safety. the cast of “the best of the best” deserves an honorable mention here because of their defeat of the koreans through use of said martial techniques. yes, they lost in points, but the moral victory spoke volumes over any medals. given the current situation in north korea, their small steps for kung-fu proved to be a giant step for uncle sam.

with their selfless acts of courage, imposing physical might, and, at times, defiance of international policy, they made the world safe for hamburgers and reality television… huh, i mean capitalism and individual freedom. do you think there would be hot chicks hooking up with each other in the jacuzzi at the real world house if the russians had won the cold war? i don’t think so. yes, 80’s movie stars did save the real world, and i’m proud to live in it. don’t you forget your debt to the proud courageous action stars of the 1980’s…

Monday, August 02, 2004

Blue Kinda Lovin 

smurfetteSo, I've always had a crush on cartoon characters. From Cheetara, to Rogue from X-Men, I've always wanted to do a really hot cartoon chick. I don't know why, but I guess when you're a kid and the hormones start to kick in… you end up rubbing it out to Smurfette.

And it isn't even a real rub-out. I mean, you're only 4 years old, so you're probably humping a pillow on the living room couch, oblivious to the fact that your mother is next door reading a magazine or something. It isn't until your teenage years that you learn to jack-off in the shower, or into a tube sock or the toilet. You know, fun stuff. Trying not to get the magazine wet. Nobody likes sticky pages.

If I met Smurfette I'd totally run train on her. I'd buy her shots and pinch her butt, take her to a fancy place like White Castle or something. Let her get a bag of 24. You know, go all out. Because you see, it's all about getting blue poon. I never had any blue poon. I've seen my share of poon, but it's never blue. If it were I think I'd be afraid. But not with Smurfette. I'd hike up that cute little dress and bend her over. I'd make her keep her white pumps on and pump my white sauce all over her blue stomach. Think of how great that would be. Did you get a visual? Me too. That was good.

Now some of you reading this might think that I'm not well. But I beg to differ. Between implants and enhancements, botox and lypo, the women most men masturbate to are plastic anyway. They're not real women. They're an ideal. And who's more ideal than a blue female with a cute button nose and blonde hair?

The only question I have regarding Smurfette is whether the curtains match the carpet. I'll let you know.