Tuesday, March 30, 2004

What the hell is an "estreet"? 

Hey Pico where do you live? "I live on Valley estreet." Thank you and good night!!!

When the words hurt too much... 

One of the unspeakable atrocities of political correctness is how it robs our language of its color. Conservative mindset in people, not just conservatives, but people in general, leads to acts of desperation in curbing how the public airs out its opinions on particular subjects. Some of the things we want to say just aren’t accepted by folk, it seems.

“It’s like a muzzle,” said currently unemployed hardware store clerk and COPS regular Jo-Jo Moroan. “Why can’t we just say what we want to say when we want to say it?”

Like Jo-Jo, many patriotic individuals throughout these great United States of America feel constrained in what they can and can’t say. Perhaps the most evident of all the unacceptable words on the list is ‘motherfucker.’

“It’s become demeaning to call someone a name because now everyone thinks you mean what you say,” added Jo-Jo. “It used to be that a motherfucker was just a bastard. But now I can’t call him a bastard either because he’s gonna think I’m saying he has no daddy.”

Jo-Jo, 23, is a father. He is happily married to his second cousin, Mary, who is currently living with her mother because of a restraining order she recently took out against Jo-Jo. According to Mary, who claims to love Jo-Jo even though he beat her, part of Jo-Jo’s instability stems from his diagnosis by the court of public opinion as a motherfucker.

“You know, first someone calls you that. And then someone else. It didn’t matter that much until I became a father. It’s a stigma that latches on to you and never lets go. Now when someone calls me a motherfucker, I really feel like a motherfucker.”

Jo-Jo’s condition has been widely covered in fake newscasts and documentaries alike. Men everywhere are hurting.

“It hurts so much,” Jo-Jo said amid tears. “Why can’t the words just go back to not meaning anything. Everything has to mean something now. I just want to go back to being a regular motherfucker.”

One of the foremost experts in this area is Joe Brown, a former all-state football player at Marion High who went on to found the Motherfuckers Against Direct Defamation (M.A.D.D.), an organization that is currently involved in litigation surrounding its name.

“People feel that it’s OK to label someone a motherfucker and won’t hesitate to call you one,” said head motherfucker Joe. “But what about all the fathers out there having sex with their baby-mommas? Don’t people see how demeaning that can be? It’s like cocksucker. It’s just not cool to call people that? Would you call your girlfriend that? No. Because you don’t want her to think it’s a negative thing.”

Fathers everywhere are scarred by loose-lipped comments.

“Before political correctness people were free to say whatever they wanted to say and it didn’t mean anything. Now it’s just not fun to call people names because so much weight is placed on every syllable.”

Jo-Jo Moroan is taking steps to break free of the stigma.

“I just need to find a young girl. No more mothers for me. Maybe one of my daddy’s cousins, or whatever. I just need to be loved.”

Jo-Jo is reportedly dating Mary’s younger sister, Marie, who has never given birth.

Joe Brown has taken steps to ensure that his organization helps those who need it most. He currently works with underprivileged motherfuckers in inner city Detroit.

“We have to think of the future. What will this world look like if guys are afraid to become fathers?”

It would look a lot less crowded, Joe. Sadly, it’d be a lot less crowded.

Stop or My Mom Will Shoot Part II 

As I'm sure you all have noticed there are some posts that have come up missing. Where did they go? I know where they went, to binary heaven.

You have something funny to say, say it. That's what Capatain's Blog is for.

You wanna attack liberals, go ahead.

You think Bush is a no talent ass clown, rip into him.

But don't use this blog to hurl personal insults. Some of us have been in this situation before and we know that it doesn't end well.

I deleted "all" the posts, including my own. Whether or not it was a good idea, I don't know. But I do know that I was ready to write some really fucked up shit, and i know that it would have been the end of this blog as we know it.

So guys I meant no disrespect in deleting your posts. Keep on writing because I'm gonna keep on reading.


Monday, March 29, 2004

Condi, girl, let the truth out! 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040329.

Uhura wants to know why this Scottish prick is talking about nothing when we need to focus our attentions to the evils being committed against National security adviser Condoleezza Rice.

Why is it that every time a black woman is in a position of power ‘the man’ wants to bring her down?

It reminds Uhura of a time when she, too, was persecuted. When Uhura was promoted to Captain a certain pointed-eared individual who shall remain nameless tried to convince the board that Uhura ain’t fit to command and that such a move would be illogical as I’d had no formal training at the helm of a ship. So Uhura looked that weird cracker in the face and told him that if he doubted the skills he could step to it and find out why Kirk keeps coming back for more. So the antagonist reconsidered and said that the argument was logical enough to answer his concerns.

CondoleezzaNow, we all know Condoleezza Rice is a loose-lipped bandit and Uhura wouldn’t be surprised to find out that she fucked up somewhere along the line in the months leading up to 9/11. She claims she won’t testify before the panel in the fear that it will establish a dangerous precedent. “Acting cabinet officials don’t testify,” she contends.

Well, Condi, honey, Uhura hates to break it to you but Donald Rumsfeld is a member of the cabinet. And so is Colin Powell (he’s the other African-American in the meetings). And so is Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage. The precedent has been set, girl! And Uhura knows you have tried to weasel your way out of this by stating that “left to her own personal judgment, she'd be very pleased to be here" testifying before the panel. Uhura thinks you owe it to those in the rubble of the attacks to answer any and all questions about your role. Period.

If the President can be made to reveal facts about his use of cigars as a sexual stimulant, then Condoleezza needs to appear before this panel. End of conversation. Uhura don’t care what she thinks. She owes it to the American people because, and she should not forget, that is who she works for, not Mr. Bush!

With that said, the main reason Uhura wants this bitch to speak up already is because I think she has some Classified information shit that can really get some people in trouble. Think about it. She isn’t in a position to make decisions, but she is in a position to pass information on to the President. So if she passes on info and it isn’t acted on someone has to pay. Uhura thinks this black woman is being forced to keep quiet to save some white man’s neck.

They always want to pin some shit on us. They try to bring us down. It’s not cool. It makes Uhura look bad; even in space. And Uhura doesn’t like looking bad. Uhura is a bad mamma jamma.

Uhura over and out. I holla!

Sunday, March 28, 2004


" America is making progress against Islamic fundamentalism but hampered by the self-hatred of elite academics at home and the cynical self-interest of allies abroad. There is a new struggle of evil against good, one that can fail only if we convince ourselves that our enemies fight because of something we did, rather than they, did. " - someone a lot smarter than us!!!

Friday, March 26, 2004

Jerry Rivers can kiss this fine black ass! 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040326.

Uhura don’t know why this white boy is talking about moustaches being all good. The moustache can be very, very bad. Uhura knows of at least one case where the moustache is a bad, bad thing.

GeraldoGeraldo Rivera is a no-good, lying, cheating excuse for a man. He has lied about carrying a gun and being under fire while covering the War on Terrorism overseas, he gave away crucial U.S. Army information on live television and he’s also phony as all hell.

He even began by lying to us about his name! His real name is Jerry Rivers, but he changed it in order to sound more ethnic and appealing.

Geraldo2 Lets not forget that years ago he was also involved in a nasty physical altercation while filming his talk show. He got his nose broken and if you ask Uhura that was the best thing that ever happened to him. He actually looked better for it.

So Hugo, stop trying to resuscitate the moustache. White boys don’t know nothing about no facial hair. Did you ever see Captain Kirk wearing a moustache? Spock? Picard? No. No. And no. That’s because in the future people understand that the moustache sucks.

Uhura over and out. I holla!

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Real Men Wear A Moustache 

Certain things dawn nostalgia within my spirit. There are certain things of the past that when recalled can take me right back to the golden days of greasy hair and tight-fitting pants. And one of those things is the colorful facial ornament known as the moustache.

It is also affectionately referred to as the upper-lip mane, the original flavor-saver, the royal crown of facial nobility and, last but certainly not least, the handlebars of pleasure (for those ladies who enjoy the rhythmic pumping of a strong tongue).

mercuryThe moustache used to mean something. It was like a medal of honor for guys who’d never served and so had no other chance of ever getting a medal of honor. It was symbolic of a tough guy. It used to be that when you saw a guy with a moustache you looked to the ground. You wanted no part of it should it come to something.

But now… now we don’t see moustaches anymore! It used to be that the bad guy had a moustache. Think of Hitler, Stalin, and other great leaders of the evil movement who relied on the moustache as an enforcing technique. Nowadays even the bad guys are reluctant to wear one. Osama wears a beard, and other evil creatures like Bill O’Reilly and John Edwards, from “Crossing Over,” not the former presidential hopeful, have all taken evil to new heights by attempting to hide their malevolent intentions behind a clean-shaven look.

People from all spheres of life are tuning out the moustache.

SelleckIt used to be that good guys who wanted to look like badasses wore moustaches. It gave them a certain, Idon’tfuckingcarewhatyouthink look that drove home the notion, “Evil doesn’t win! Not on my watch.” Tireless cape-less crusaders like Tom Selleck and Charles Bronson sported the moustache. But today, other than the occasional psycho like Saddam, we don’t find much use for this type of partial facial-fleece adornment. Even the devil wears a goatee!

I think that this movement away from a proven, effective option of facial hair symbolizes the worldwide phenomenon scientifically termed, “the pussification of the male species.”

“By shedding the moustache the male species has entered a new step in evolution that can eventually lead to its downfall,” warned world-renown scientist and moustache enthusiast Tom Kelly. “Without a moustache the male species has become swifter in movement. It now enjoys a more aerodynamic head that can cut as much as two halves of a tenth of a second off a 100-yd dash. This is an amazing step in the evolution of the species. However, males now feature a more innocuous look; one that can lead other predators to feel like they can move in on its turf. And in the wild world, looks are everything.”

Robert Johnson, an all-around great guy who happens to wear a moustache, feels that the discrimination aimed at moustache-wearers everywhere is growing more and more robust and defiant in its bias.

“It used to be that with a moustache you were one of the guys. Now you’re just one of the guys who gets laughed at.”

Mr. Johnson went on to add that old ladies will cut him in line at the grocery store without paying it any mind and that his children no longer fearfully hang on his words like they did as children.

“People just don’t fear the moustache, anymore. They think it’s a big joke. Well, I’m not laughing.”

Men everywhere are now stereotyped based on their facial hair of choice. They are now known for the moustache they choose to wear than for their great achievements.

Of course, some persons of genius have shined so bright that they have outlasted the imprint of the moustache. Freddie Mercury comes to mind. So does Ron Jeremy, the only man to successfully jump from the 80’s to the 90’s and into the 00’s without ever shaving his moustache. That portion of his face has not seen the light of day since 1976. But it seems to me that most folk are embarrassed of the moustache as if they have forgotten the long-storied history of the upper-lip mane.

“To me it just rings of the 70’s,” said Victor Sanchez of Colonia, NJ. “It’s not for me. I’m more at home with the goatee.”

But if this is so, how come it was still cool to wear a moustache in the 80’s? How come the ill-fated moustache has to suffer for all our past fashion follies? The moustache should not be symbolic of the 70’s, it should be symbolic of a man!

I want to see the moustache come back. I want it to reign victorious once again atop the realm of facial hair options. I want every man to wear one. Maybe then we can take this country back. Maybe with a moustache we can be happy again.

Bacon anyone? 

Catains Blog. Stardate 20040325

Six Degrees or less! Link Ahmed Yassin to Kevin Bacon.

Considering that Ahmed Yassin has never been in any movies I have decided to completely ignore the rules of the Kevin Bacon Game and use any bit of information I can to link these two famous faces.

Here we go:

Yassin Although Ahmed Yassin has never been in any feature length motion pictures, he does share on aspect with a very notable and equally smooth rolling Hollywood insider. None other than the man of surgical steal himself, Christopher Reeves. The wheelchair factor, while extremely compelling, was not my only reason for linking these two men...........Ok, Ok, so it was ,fuck you its my blog.

Reeves After having spent years as the reigning Superman, Mr. Reeves was dethroned by a kryptonite feed horse which has conveniently provided me with an easy link to my bacon chain. The next person on my list has lived her live with few worries and even fewer neurons. You know her from the run ways, you know her from T.V. and most of you have come to know her in the biblical sense in front of your computer monitors.

HiltonParis, Paris, Paris. How the fuck did you fall off a horse. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that you did. It made the tie in with Christopher Reeves possible. Your show, "The Simple Life" sucks by the way. I really don't give a shit if you don't know what Walmart is, or that you don't enjoy sharing a bathroom. What I do enjoy, what I did enjoy, what I still enjoy is your amateur material. I love the way that the night vision gave the video that raunchy feeling. Speaking of sex tapes, I could I forget Pam?

I love you Pam. No I really do. I just wished you stopped ignoring my phone calls, and had that restraining order against me lifted. I'm really happy that you got rid of that husband of yours. Take away his money, his fame and his extremely huge appendage and what do you have? Me! Speaking of huge cock-and-balls you know who is famous for having a larger than usual shlong? You guessed it...........

Kevin Bacon! The center of the fucking universe. Kev, thank you for being in so many shitty movies that you have actually inspired a game that has given me something to do besides view Pamela Anderson pictures online.


Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Da Uhura has Spoken 

Captain's Blog. Stardate 20040324

Fellow Capt. Uhura has used this blog to display why she is everyone's favorite shipmate, and I do mean everyone's, but she has failed to mention the coolest rapper of all time.... Vanilla Ice. Yes. Vanilla Ice is my personal favorite. He was a big hit, in my native Russia. He brought it in strong with his first hit single, Ice Ice Baby. I don't understand how Uhura could overlook such an amazing artist. He was everything that Eminen is now, only earlier. He was ice before ice was ice cold. Vanilla Ice was the first solo white rapper to top the charts. He had crazy, fresh style, and tall hair. At one point I wanted to be him. He had street credibility. What more can you ask for in a rapper?

By the time his movie, and second album came out his stardom had surprisingly faded away. Rumors that he had not actually had a tough upbringing, and he had never been in a gang, and that he had never actually been stabbed as he claimed he had, ruined his career. I myself felt a bit disappointed. My hero wasn't a tough guy. He never got shot, or stabbed five times, he was just a regular white guy named Robert Van Winkle. His latest musical effort was Hard to Swallow and that said it all. It indeed was hard to swallow.

In retrospect he is still a pretty cool guy, and I still believe that Uhura should have at least mentioned him in in her list, but I understand she has issues with "Da Man". The man was a white rapper in a time when white rappers were not well looked upon, and he managed to succeed, even if for a short time. Word to your mother!!!


Uhura Forgets 

Captain's Blog. Stardate 20040324.

Uhura forgot two very sexy men in her last post. Check them out at the links below. One is white, and one is wrongly accused.

Very Strong White Man

Wrongfully Accused :(

Thank me later. Uhura over and out. I holla!

Monday, March 22, 2004

Sexy, Sexy Men 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040322.

Uhura had herself a great weekend. She went out, danced, had herself two drinks at the Enterprise Bar (malibu bay-breeze), and thoroughly enjoyed herself and her company.

That led to a peculiar idea; who, in the music business, would Uhura most likely hook-up with. A list was created and it goes as follows.

10. Q-Tip – Q-Tip is old school. Not so much so that he’s too old for Uhura. He came in the game when music meant something to people and Uhura loves a man with convictions. It makes for a better lay.

biz 9. Biz Markie – Uhura likes them big, some times. Biz Markie also has another factor women love; he’s funny. And remember that song “You, you got what I need.” That big dummy sang his heart out and that no-good bitch stomped all over his heart. It ain’t right and it ain’t funny. I know people laugh at that song, but Uhura just cries.

8. Jay-Z – He got them nigga lips Uhura just love to suck on. And he’s got money, and power, and respect, and Beyonce. Uhura make sure she make a Jigga sandwich on two slices of fly-ass sista. Imagine Beyonce and Uhura breaking it down and giving it to good ol’ Hova. That would be one night he’d never forget.

7. Pharell – Uhura lick his skinny black ass like an ice-cream stick when there is still some ice-cream left on the wood. Oooooooooooohhhh, Uhura have fun with his skinny behind.

Justin 6. Justin Timberlake – That’s right, Uhura likes white men, too. And even though this one still resembles a teenage boy from the suburbs there is something sexy about him. He’s too dumb to know better so he does all this dumb stuff like pulling Janet’s bra off and taking Britney’s virginity. Fool. Don’t you know that if you take a girl’s virginity she’ll love you forever? She’ll say she hates you and tell everyone about how inadequate and greedy you are, but deep down inside she knows you’re the one that got away. Uhura show him how a black woman likes it.

5. R. Kelly – Uhura knows he likes peeing on people but if he even tries to pee on her he’s gonna get a dose of that hose up his ass. That’s right. Uhura will pull his penis underneath him and yank on it until it goes up his behind. But if he can be a decent nigga and lick a sista he’ll get the fuck of his life (pardon my françois, but Uhura got excited there thinking about his serenading me while I ride him).

4. Nelly – Uhura loves the band-aid. End of conversation. (And he has really nice abs.)

Andre 3. Andre Benjamin AKA Dre 3000 AKA Ice Cold – He is so hot! He be singing about Caroline and apologizing to Ms. Jackson but what he needs to do is hit the hay with Ms. Uhura. Uhura will dump this big black ass on his skinny self and ride him until he’s all out of funny outfits. Plus, Uhura think he wears some funny stuff to bed so we can get it on and poppin’. Like it ain’t no thang, sugar. Um hum.

2. Rakim – Rakim is the original gangsta/bad-boy. He was talking about half-grams and deals going bad before anyone else. And he has a great body. He looks like the Alpha-Male and Uhura just loves a bad boy. Bad boys are good boys because they don’t quit until they find the spot. Uhura just bets he has a big nigga dick. Word.

1. 50-Cent – He is just too bad to resist. He got shot nine times and is really good with
his words. Uhura just bets his tongue ain’t bad either. Did I mention he got shot nine times. That “21 Questions” song had Uhura taking care of herself in the shower. Ooooh, child. 50-Cent can get my dollas, honey. Uhura just loves bad boys. Did I mention he got shot nine times.

So there you have it. That’s Uhura’s list. Uhura over and out. I holla!


Captain's Blog. Stardate 20040322

I don't know about you but I sure as hell don't peaky panish. I don't peaky panish, I don't peaky peaky, I don't speaky the peaky and I don't "hablo espanol", okay my Spanish friends. I do however peaky english, and I peak it very well. That's right Raul I don't peaky panish and don't act so fucking surprised, and wipe that fucking outraged look off your face. We are in the United States of America, correct? Not in the United States of Hispania? Oh okay, I just wanted to make sure. However, Raul I do appreciate the fact that you at least had the decency to ask me first. Unlike some of your counterparts who bypass asking the almight question altogether and go straight into conversation: "La pinga la penga da conga..." Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second there Enrique, what the fuck makes you think that I "peaky peaky"?? I'm sick of this, sick of it! Stop the insanity, and could we please plant some freakin' weapons in Mosul already!! God damn liberals!

Friday, March 19, 2004

No Need to Fear, “Mr. Terrorism” is Here. 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040319

As a response to the deadly train blasts in Madrid, Spain, the European Union has announced the appointment of an anti terrorism expert to coordinate security for the EU. The new position will be called “Mr. Terrorism”. The decision taken by the EU is already coming under fire. The first person taking aim is none other than Rush Limbaugh, surprisingly, because he is a blind supporter of a man whose sole issue for re-election is his fight against the “evil doing terrorists”. Mr. Limbaugh had this to say:

“So we are all safer now, ladies and gentlemen. The EU is going to fill a new position that they call Mr. Terrorism. Sounds like a character from the World Wrestling Federation to me. You know, if I know the Europeans the way I know them, Mr. Terrorism will be somebody from Al-Qaeda and this will be a way of buying them off.”

This is the thanks that the European Union receives for an attempt to aid in the prevention of terrorism? All jokes aside, Yes the name is extremely idiotic, and it lacks respectability, but the measure is being taken to prevent terrorism not only in Europe, but worldwide. The September 11th terrorists had ties to Germany. It is possible that if Europe had an anti terrorism agency in place prior to the attacks that they could have been prevented. I believe the new position will aid in stopping future terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, but Mr. Limbaugh doesn’t believe so. He believes the position will be given to someone from Al-Qaeda. This is because he knows Europeans so well. Someone should remind the deaf radio host that prior to September 11th the United States seldom had to deal with terrorism on its own soil. Yes, the US had to deal with the first WTC attack in 1993, and with the Oklahoma City bombing, but Europe has been grappling against terrorism for decades. Europe had to dealt with the Munich Massacre in 1972, the Lockerbie incident in Scotland in 1988, and the atrocities committed by, Ilych Sanchez a.k.a. Carlos the Jackal, the most infamous international terrorist prior to the appearance of Osama Bin Laden.

If anyone is familiar with terrorism it’s the Europeans. Their efforts to help themselves, each other and the World in general should not be met with mockery, but rather with approval. The new legislation goes further than just naming the post of “Mr. Terrorism”. The legislation calls for the implementation of a solidarity clause that requires that EU countries aid each other in the case of a terrorist attack. The legislation also requires that EU countries share intelligence with each other, and we know how difficult that can be. Our own agencies’ failure to communicate with each other proves to be catastrophic. We have the benefit of a common language here in the US, but the European often need to share information and deal with a language barrier simultaneously. It’s no easy feat. The new position should help to cut through the red tape and beaurocracy, but please change the name. It’s plain stupid. Where did you get the idea? George W. Bush?


Thursday, March 18, 2004

I'm willing to take an alien anal probe for peace. 

Captains Log
Stardate: 03182004

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

-President Thomas Whitmore

A devastating alien invasion is exactly what we need to get humanity moving in the right direction. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hoping that we're invaded any time soon, well at least not under Bush's presidency. Could you just imagine how Bush would react if we were invaded by aliens? I'm pretty sure the first thing he would do is add all aliens to his Axis of Evil. Of course being the idiot that he is he would conveniently stereotype all aliens as bad. E.T., Starman, Alf, the aliens from Cocoon, Howard the Duck, Max, Spock, and countless other friendly aliens will most likely have their green cards revoked and deported, if not held indefinitely without formal criminal charges in Camp X-ray. Defense secretary Rumsfeld will advice President Bush against allying with the United Nations, and launch a preemptive strike against the aliens own home planet.

fucking idiotWithout being able to understand the principals behind light years, Bush authorizes the use of nuclear weapons against planet "Evil" (appropriately named by Bush himself). 170,105,184,000,000,000 years later, American missiles land on planet Evil which lies 29,000 light years away, giving end to the war and beginning to intergalactic democracy. A McDonalds is quickly set up on planet Freedom (appropriately renamed by George W. Bush MMMDCCXCIII, Bush's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, ...........................grandson), to give American oil workers a place to eat.

Hey the above scenario could happen.

So if you’re part of an aggressive alien race, who so happens to be monitoring random Earth based blogs and have a single fatal weakness that humanity can exploit to defeat your superior technology, please come invade as to unite humanity under one common goal and permanently rid us of all our petty differences. But if your going to do so, just make sure you don’t do it on Bush’s watch.


Wednesday, March 17, 2004

How It's All Going to the Bitches. 

Captain's Blog. Stardate 20040317

The battle of the sexes continues to be fought on a daily basis. My own spacecraft turns into a battlefield several times a week. The womenfolk are constantly bashing men. From their tone I deduce that they are bashing their own men, but men none the less. They say that we men are useless, and that they don’t need men, and that men are stupid, and irrational. I’m starting to think that they are right. I think that we men are beginning to lose ground in the battle of the sexes.

We are stupid. Well at least I am, because I get suckered into this type of argument several times a week, and I should know better. This argument is senseless and no one is ever going to win it, and to think of it me arguing with my female shipmates is quite irrational. Chuck two points up for the females. My usual reply is that, were it not for men women would be living in darkness (when was the last time you saw a woman change a lightbulb?) and wear ugly clothes and shoes. That’s right if you think about it. Women wouldn’t be able to have clothes from Christian Dior, Yves Saint Laurent, Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, or Oscar de la Renta because they are all men. Were it not for men the “ultimate chicks” of Sex and the City wouldn’t be able to have the Roberto Cavalli and Manolo Blahnik pumps they love so much. Come to think of it females wouldn’t need clothes if wasn’t for men. I think that were it not for men, girls would just walk around naked all the time, and that would be something really, really great, but we men wouldn’t be here to enjoy the huge lesbian slumber party that everyday would be in our absence.

As a man I’m starting to feel a bit obsolete, and my female shipmates remind me of this at every turn. They say that they don’t need us, not even for you know what. Yes, they think that they don’t need us for boinking. “Oh we have dildos!!! If we chose we wouldn’t need guys”. Ouch that one really hurt, but I was quick to reply, after fixing the hard on that my shipmates caused, “but what about procreation?” Now it seems like a stupid question, when the womenfolk answered “you think we wanna get pregnant” ,but at the time it made complete sense. I deduced that without men women would only survive one generation after the disappearance of men, but apparently I was wrong. Artificial insemination became part of the argument, and that they could continue this race of women long after men were gone. This is a great argument on their part, with the slight exception that women can not produce sperm on their own. If they could then I’d be really worried. They claim they can get sperm anytime they want, and I’m sure they can, specially if I’m thinking about them and their blue dildo, and if they are using it on each other they might get that sperm a little sooner than they bargained for, but we won’t tell them about that. Ship regulations, you must understand. They claim they can go to a sperm bank and just withdraw some, and this gave me the great comfort that at one time or another a man, a real man was once involved, and that as a race we are still not as obsolete as women might like to think we are.

But as smart as women pretend to be, they are slaves to the dogs. No, not us males, I mean the real dogs. The hairy, four legged ones, will one day rule the planet if women decide to do away with men. And the smaller the dog, the more powerful it is. Women carry them around, and dress them, and do all kinds of little things for them. The dog will poop and women will be there to palm that poop. From my vantage point in outer space the dog seems to be the most powerful being in the planet. Men are simply there to maintain a balance of power, but eventually it will all go to the dogs.


Mud people’s prestigious inductees 

Captain’s Blog: Stardate 20040317.

Oh the Mud People. Who could forget those loveable Woodstock misfits? Not I. I remember watching MTV’s coverage of Woodstock 94 and feeling green with envy. Why couldn’t I be the one being pelted with a healthy chunk of urine drenched sod? Granted, I was only fourteen-years-old at the time, but still the longing filled my heart. Really it did.

Ten years and one shitty Woodstock later, the Mud People have made a glorious return. Here’s the catch, you can’t see it on MTV. All of you who wanted Kurt Loder to give you a play by play of the mudslinging will just have to get over it. Don’t worry, although you won’t be able to see the mudslinging on MTV News, it will be on every other network. And the coverage will be significantly longer.

The year 2004 has given the Mud People its two most prestigious members: George W. Bush and John Kerry. You got to love these guys; they have completely strayed from the issues and have decided to wage an eight month mudslinging campaign. Now this is politics at its best.

Health care? Who cares? My opponent snorted cocaine.

National Security? Medicare? Education? National Budget? Unemployment?

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

All I really care about are the skeletons that will most likely be dug up and served on television with a healthy helping of commentary. I also wouldn’t mind seeing some collateral damage as a result of the mudslinging. Colin Powell is way to clean for my taste. The man is a damn boy scout. Can’t someone find at least one picture of this guy executing an Iraqi POW or something, or maybe audio tapes of gay sex solicitation? I don’t care what it is.

Regardless of who gets hurt I know that I’ll be enjoying this campaign to the fullest. But when it comes time to vote I think I’m going to sleep in and watch cartoons.


Al Sharpton is over. We need an American Idol. 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040317.

dawg While people are concerned with the international forum and how the allies are dispersing, the more important issue for Americans is being inexplicably over-looked. The great Reverend Al Sharpton has dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination and Uhura can say that it truly is a sad day.

Reverend Al has exhausted his appeal. He is no longer the man to head us black peoples in a new century that is certain to be filled with all types of jibba-jabba. No, we need a new man! A new charismatic black man who can dot the t’s and cross the i’s. We need Randy Jackson in the White House.

dawg That’s right, Randy Jackson. He’s faced tougher adversaries. Think of his infamous bout with Twinkies and cheeseburgers. This man has no fear!!! He looked that super-sized order dead in the ketchup and defied it to make him chew. He said no, and his waist line was the real winner for his efforts. He has also often battled the evil forces of “Simon.” This charming caricature of a real Brit uses his charm and accent as weapons while his sharp tongue lunges brash attacks on unsuspecting 18-year-olds whose fifteen minutes should never have come.

dawg After hearing that Simon had won the battle with the diabolical “Scale at GNC” Simon had the following to say. "It's like saying a hill is smaller than a mountain. A hill is still big." But Randy had the skinny on Simon and never feared. He faced down this evil-doer and using tactics like “Hammer and Anvil” and “Operation Anaconda” Randy Jackson emerged victorious yet again.

randy Never scared, Randy has faced down this foreign threat. Having thus conquered forces at home and abroad, Randy is the man to lead this nation. He can guide us to the promised land. If he can make Justin Guarini and Clay Aiken into celebrities, he can sure take this superpower and turn it into an intergalactic power. We can colonize Mars, and the Sun, and that new planet we didn’t know we had. We’ll take it all, and right there with us will be Randy Jackson, making sure we don’t miss a single note.

Uhura over and out. I holla!

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

The Axis of Evil to Grow in the Near Future. 

Captain's Blog. Stardate: 20040316

Presidential hopeful, Senator John Kerry, has made claims that several World leaders have expressed serious concern over George W. Bush’s continuation as the supreme leader of the United States. The Bush administration is now intent in knowing who these World leaders are. They demand to know, and Senator Kerry does not wish to disclose who the leaders are. Senator Kerry has enough sense to know that if these leaders are found out, and George W. Bush is re-elected the leaders are their countries will be part of the infamous Axis of Evil.

The fact that these World leaders said that Kerry has to oust Bush jr. from power is seen as an act of betrayal, and the Bush administration has been know to take up the “either you are with us, or against us” attitude. This act will, without a doubt, be seen as an act “against us”, and those against us must pay the price. Kerry claims that these leaders head nations that are “allies” and “friends” of the United States. There is a great possibility that countries such as Spain, Portugal, Great Britain, Poland, and Italy may be part of the Axis of Evil. They would join Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, as well as more recent inductees such as France, Germany, Russia and Canada into the Evil Alliance. Canada has been dubbed “the enemy next door” due to it’s relaxed immigration laws that gives terrorists the opportunity to enter the United States. Mexico could very well be a future member of the Axis of Evil. Not only do they share a border with the United States, but they have a flag very similar to that of Italy, and since Italy might be in the Axis of Evil, and George W. isn’t likely to tell either flag apart, they will both go into the Axis of Evil as to not create confusion.

Enemies within will also make part of the Axis of Evil, should Bush be re-elected. John Kerry will be in Axis of Evil, simply for running against him. Howard Stern will also be in the Axis of Evil for urging his listeners to vote against Bush, as well as for saying bush on the airwaves. And Dick Cheney, Yes!!! Dick Cheney. Where the hell is he? Why is he never “with” the President? This man raises a lot of questions. Dick Cheney is a very mysterious man. He has Bin Laden-like quality about him, in that he is very elusive. Elusive like a Siberian tiger, and those are Russian and Russia is in the Axis of Evil.


Saturday, March 13, 2004

The real thieves are still at large 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040313.

naderMartha Stewart is a bitch and Uhura hates her cracker ass. But we are still waiting for convictions in the Enron case. And Haliburton is going to get a bye on stealing our tax money. So if you want to talk about criminals I think we should talk about the ones who took people’s jobs and ran off with money that belonged to someone else. And I want to talk about making a profit on over-priced water for our troops who are dying to instill freedoms Michael Powell is so intent on taking from us. Leave my favorite morning show alone. Don’t bother me about Martha’s shares. Get us some jobs. Stop getting us into wars we don’t have any business fighting.

And if gay people want to marry I don’t want the Constitution, which has only been amended to extend rights, never to curb them, brought into the discussion. The religious right needs to be careful. If it begins extending its reach into Washington it may face a backlash the likes of which it can’t imagine. Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.

Separation of church and state, not gay and straight.

Uhura over and out. I holla!

Thursday, March 11, 2004

If you Commit the Crime, Get Ready to Serve the Time… 

Captain's Blog. Stardate: 20040311

And even if it’s determined that you did not commit the crime get ready to serve the time anyway. This is what I believe is happening to Martha Stewart. As unbelievable as this will sound to those that know me, I am defending the cold, expressionless cunt. Don’t get me wrong I still hate the bitch, but I think she is taking it in deeply on this one. She is facing a maximum of 20 years in prison, but in reality we all know that she will only do 18 months tops, in a country club/resort type prison, and even that is too much time. What exactly did Martha Stewart do? The serious charge of fraud was almost immediately dropped because the prosecution could not prove it, but the charges for conspiracy, racketeering, lying, etc. stick? Now I think I get it. She lied and conspired to cover up a crime that no one can prove she committed. Oh this just gets better, and better. If she should go to prison it should be for other reasons. She should go to prison for having a television show where she teaches how to make delicious dishes with extremely expensive ingredients. Someone tell that bitch that normal people can’t splash out $3000 on an ounce of caviar. We would, if we had money in the stock market, and we got insider tips on when to sell our ImClone stock before it hit rock bottom. Chances are that she knew what she was doing when she bailed on the stock, but who wouldn’t had they been in her very expensive shoes. I know I would have done the same, and so would most of you reading this. And let’s try to send people to prison for the crimes they actually committed from now on.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Freedom of Speach.........What a fucking Joke 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040306

I do not agree with what you say. But I will defend to the death your right to say it


What's the point of having an amendment to the constitution protecting freedom of speach of it doesn't do so under public forums. I really don't get.

So where can you excercise your freedom of speach? In a place where no one hears you?


Bush is no Shatner 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040305.

When it comes to morals, let he who has never sipped grandpa’s old cough medicine be the one to toss the first shot glass. Morals aren’t set rules or understandings. They differ from culture to third-world culture and from individual to stoned individual.

Uhura don’t like Howard Stern because they be calling people “niggers” on his show. But Uhura don’t want him fired, either. That is bullshit.

Mr. Stern should be allowed to poke his big Jewish nose into whatever topic he deems needs to be discussed under the rights secured by the Bill of Rights. He can speak in his Hebrew-laced tone until the cows come home as far as I’m concerned. And being that I’m in space, that’s a long time!

As our society leans more and more towards Big Government it’s beginning to look more and more like Big Brother. Uhura doesn’t doubt that Mr. Bush loves this country and wants what’s best for it. That is beyond discussion. But what Mr. Bush’s administration fails to take into account is its own margin of error. It is not all-knowing. It can’t see into the future. It can’t even really understand the past. For a man who loves God so much Mr. Bush needs to allow Him to determine what is moral and what isn’t. His own personal interpretation of the scriptures shouldn’t come into play, especially when his reading level appears to be very low.

Mr. Bush may want what’s best for this country, but censure is not what’s best for the people.

Uhura over and out. I holla!

Where the Hell is My Remote? 

Captain’s Blog. Stardate 20040305.

Jesus seems to be found in the weirdest of places. People tend to find him at the end of a line of coke, in the State Pen, or at the bottom of a bottle of hooch. That seems to be the place where our honorable president George W. Bush found our Lord and Savior. George W. Bush is hell bent on making America a land of morals and values. Let me start by discussing the enforcement of decency laws when it comes to radio and television. The name Howard Stern is synonymous with indecency on the radio and he is now taking the brunt of the indecency legislation. Let’s remind everyone that this crusade for decency started when Janet Jackson flashed her boob to an International audience during the Super Bowl halftime show, Howard Stern had nothing to do with that incident. Just like Iraq, and Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with Al Quaida, or Osama Bin Laden, but that discussion is for another post. Howard Stern will most likely be out of radio within the next few weeks for his indecency. I listen to the Stern Show, I don’t agree with the things he says, and at times I think he is offensive, but I listen anyway. You want to know why? I listen because he is funny at times, and the show is entertaining. I know what I’m going to get when I listen and if he says something offensive, even if it’s aimed at me in some manner, it doesn’t catch me by surprise. If I ever feel too offended I would tune out and that’s the end of the matter. I’ll regulate what I listen to, NOT the American government.

There are plans to regulate cable television as well. The government claims that networks such as HBO and Showtime broadcast violent and indecent programming. My answer to that is I know, I called and ordered it. I want to watch the Sopranos and Family Business. I made the decision to purchase violence and indecency. I knew what I was purchasing when I picked up the phone and called my satellite provider. I think that people know what they want to watch and listen to and they do not need the US government to command the remote control for them. The US government has begun a crusade to uphold morals and values, but let’s not forget that the person that heads this crusade is not a morally upstanding person. George W. Bush is a liar, and has a history of driving off the road and into trees after having numerous drinks, and he is evasive when asked if he has ever used cocaine. It seems to me that those are not the actions of a moral person. Mr. Bush may rule the White House, but in my house I make up the rules, and that should not be forgotten when November rolls around.