Thursday, March 17, 2005

Freaky-Ass White People 

Wooooohooooooohooooo hooooooooo.

Any sort of claim black people might have had left for Michael Jackson is completely out the window at this point. He's gone and he ain't going back.

The ultimate proof of this fact resides in his own actions. Mike is now committing white crimes. Black people want your bike, not your dike. Only white people abduct children. Only white people touch kids. You don't see black people doing that; there's a line you do not cross and for some reason white people don't understand that.

That's why The King of Pop is now officially white. You can look the part, but it doesn't really matter until you act the part.

Monday, March 14, 2005

How come I don't see anyone with a lisp on TV? 

Mario Vasquez drops out of 'American Idol.' This is a big deal. This is the first time in reality television that a contestant quits. Now THAT is reality television.

Quitters are everywhere. They're either born or formed, depending on the circumstances. Some people are just born being prone to give up on things when plans don't go their way. Most of us, however, are conditioned to become quitters. We're cut from the basketball team, or told that we're not tall enough to be models, we're not part of the "cool crowd" in high school, and so we internalize our dreams. We hit the snooze button only to eventually forget them.

We're all quitters. Some more than others, but we've all quit something at some point and reality TV just now had its first encounter with it.

But what I really want to see are other facets of actual life reflected on the screen. I'm tired of the athletic types on 'The Real World' and the tailored execs on 'The Apprentice' and why does everyone have to look so damn good? You know what I encounter in the real reality? I find short fat men making all the decisions. I find grown women with acne problems working their ass off while getting paid less than a man who holds the same position within the company. I find people sacrificing a family for a few extra dollars at the end of the week. And I find that the people who own the least have the most to offer.

And I want to see that on television. I want the fat girl with the voice to make it to the final stages of 'American Idol' rather than being sent home because she "doesn't have the look" of a pop star. I want the clumsy girl with the lisp to win 'Survivor.' I want dysfunction, flabby bodies and clothes that don't fit right on laundry day.

Nikko gets a second chance, and that's good. America needs to know that it's not alone. You're not the only one that got passed up for a job only to be approached for the position at a later date. You're not the only one who ended up with your husband or wife because he or she had his or her heart broken by somebody else.

It's OK to be second best. We don't need the ab-roller. We don't need to look like the television stars. What we do need is a little more reality in our television programs.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Bunnies make the best friends! 

darkoSo I watched "Donnie Darko" this weekend and I've been feeling like I am Donnie Darko. It's a high school feeling where it's you against the world. It's fucking crazy, because we all know better by now. But it can creep up on you.

But if I WAS, in fact, Donnie Fuckin' Darko I'd talk that Bunny into bringing me some of that space/future pussy. Wherever it is he comes from, outer space or the future, I'm sure there is some fine tail hanging around. Why can't he bring that around instead of just stalking and what not?

Man, when I was in high school I got NO PLAY… I was too intimidated to talk to girls. If that Bunny brought by some tail I would've done anything he told me to: flood the school, burn down that kid-toucher's house, I'd do it all.

OK, that's it now. I'm done. I think I want an imaginary friend.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I'll Punch You In The Face! 

I'm not sure whether I've talked about this in the past, but when I was younger one of my fantasies was to gather a group of friends, outfit a van, and drive around late in the night fighting crime like a bunch of superheroes. This might sound comical to you, but in the words of a very wise comedian, when boys read comic books they see themselves as the character lead.

Superman, Flash, Wolverine: being a superhero isn't a fantasy, it's a career option.

In picking out individuals for the group I'd take into consideration distinct talents and/or gifts that would function as an asset to the unit. The goal is to assemble a group where the total is more than the sum of the individual parts.

rocketeerI'd be the leader. Shy but outspoken, completely in charge and aware of what the situation called for, I'd be the one everyone looked up to. The one everyone would look to for an answer. "Hey Hugo, what do we do now?"

Then, I'd need a right hand. Figuratively, that is. A driver that would double as a second in command. He'd be good at puzzles and have a keen mind for what the bad guys might be plotting. A guy that would be a leader in any other group, but was content to follow me because he "saw something in Hugo that he couldn't explain. The man is like gravity."

(Hey, don't judge me. It's my fantasy.)

I'd also like to find a group member with flying powers. Flying is big in crime fighting. But being as flyers are hard to come by I'd settle for a young scientist with a "Rocketeer"-like contraption that would enable him to fly.

rhonaWe'd also need a doctor. A paramedic, in the very least. This would be for field wounds, injuries incurred during the actual fighting of crime. She could be a girl. She'd have to be hot. She would look like Rhona Mitra, of Boston Legal. (Curious fact: Rhona was the inspiration for Lara Croft. And she has a British accent. Now that's hot!) Of course, she'd be secretly in love with me. I'd be in love with her. But we could never come together due to being completely invested in keeping the streets safe for the kids. The sexual tension would carry the plot during less interesting episodes.

laraAnd last, but certainly not least, we'd need some muscle. A strong dude who could punch a hole through a brick wall. His strength could come via a genetic mutation or he could be the victim of a freak experiment gone wrong. He'd be super-strong with lots of muscles and a funny haircut. I pity the fool who made him upset.

And there you have it, folks. That's my crime-fighting unit. We're ready to take on the bad guys. All we need is team name. Feel free to help me out with that in the comment box.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Don't call me Scotty nomore!! 

I now go by the call sign of STARBUCK. Who dat? Me dat. Now if I could only figure out how to change the post signature. Damn technology, damn you, you're tearing me aaaaaaaaapaaaaaart. Also I like orange jello.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I wanna be funny... will someone PLEASE laugh! 

The following is a conversation between my sister and I as I struggled to find a comedic concept to write about.

Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado:

Me: Give me something funny to write about.
Sister: Why?
Me: Cuz I need something funny to write about. Give me an idea.
Sister: Like what?
Me: I don't know, like a clown with a hearing problem.
Sister: Why is that funny?
Me: It's not, that's the problem. If it was funny I'd write about that.

It's not going so well.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Jake LaMotta on Viagra... 

Does it bother anyone else that the golden boys of film all suck now?

I watch “Raging Bull” and “Casino” and “Taxi Driver” and think, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO DE NIRO, MAN?!?!!???

He was awesome, and now he makes shitty movies about meeting a son in law and what not. Back in the day De Niro wouldn’t have had to tie the son in law up to a lie detector. He would have gotten some of his boys from the corner to take him out in order to sort shit out.

“Did you fuck his daughter? Don’t lie to me or I’ll cut your balls off. Good. That’s what I like. Don’t touch her.”

And “Analyze That”… what the fuck is going on here.

It’s not the actual movies I have a problem with, it’s his performances. “Rocky and Bulwinkle”? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

Pacino has sucked, too. Just not as much. I hear “The Merchant of Venice” is good, but from everyone I speak to he sucks in it.

Have they burned out? Don’t they have anything left in the tank? Can someone out there answer these questions for me?